Now I am a very positive person. I meditate, find the silver lining in most situations, take good care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. So when I entered the 3rd floor of the family court building yesterday, it was not long before I felt assaulted by the negative energy that permeates the air.
The 3rd floor is designated for child support grievances. I was taking my ex to court because he has not paid support in a half year which has left me struggling. Needless to say, the entire floor is filled with angry, frustrated, struggling, resentful, bitter, hostile people and those who are hurt, frightened, intimidated, abused and desperate. Couples were arguing loudly, cursing at each other. Some men, my ex included, were loudly complaining about their wretched ex-spouses and how wronged they are for having to pay anything. Women were crying, some were screaming at times. Angry looks and tensely locked jaws could be seen everywhere.
My ex showed up 2 hours late, so the judge penalized him by scheduling us for the last case of the day. So I sat in this building for 7 hours assaulted by a negative energy that could have pierced the happiest soul.
By the end of the day, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. And it had nothing to do with my own circumstance. The judge heard our case and I walked out with a settlement that I felt was fair to me and compassionate to him.
I think I wanted to cry because of the exposure to such negative emotions. But there is always the silver lining. It did give me an opportunity to see myself in comparison. How far I have come from being that angry person, out of control and engaging a loud verbal battle with my angry ex…I almost never do that anymore. How peaceful my life is today. My ability to let go and have faith that everything will work out for the best; in God’s time and way, not mine.
So perhaps spending a day in hell has it’s benefits especially when it helped me to see the heaven I have created for myself.
I learned how the process works, found out what I had to do and went through the steps with a ‘let go and let God’ attitude.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
How long is too long to wait?
I have had the unique experience of going on one date through an on-line service and meeting a really great guy. We have been together for 9 months and have a great friendship and passionate relationship. He lived in NYC and I am on Long Island. As a single mom, I almost always went in to his apt. which was great; it was like my ‘other’ life and I loved it.
In June he graduated college (a returning student – we’re both in our 40’s) and moved to New Mexico for a graduate program. At first he was just going to attend summer sessions; so I thought 12 weeks comes and goes quickly, no problem. But now, he has the wonderful opportunity to stay and complete his program next September. I think it is great and I am truly happy for him.
While I am crazy about him, we will have been apart for a longer period of time than we have been together. Can such a new relationship withstand so much distance for so long? We agreed to no commitments. After all we are on opposite sides of the country and grown adults with needs and desires, so whatever happens, happens. And honestly, my desires are beginning to get the best of me, so what’s a girl to do?
I don’t really want to start dating, because I do love this guy. But he has not and cannot commit to anything. He does not know where he will get a job or work after he is done with school and I appreciate that it is a unique and liberating position for him to be in. He is asking nothing of me either. I don’t know if I want to wait around for an entire year when there are no guarantees that we will be together when he returns…if he returns.
Maybe dating would be good. Give me a chance to compare, see who else/what else is out there. I got divorced, took a 2 year hiatus from men and then met my current man. Perhaps taste-testing the dating world would be good, for both of us. After all, I suppose if we were meant to be together, we ultimately will be.
In June he graduated college (a returning student – we’re both in our 40’s) and moved to New Mexico for a graduate program. At first he was just going to attend summer sessions; so I thought 12 weeks comes and goes quickly, no problem. But now, he has the wonderful opportunity to stay and complete his program next September. I think it is great and I am truly happy for him.
While I am crazy about him, we will have been apart for a longer period of time than we have been together. Can such a new relationship withstand so much distance for so long? We agreed to no commitments. After all we are on opposite sides of the country and grown adults with needs and desires, so whatever happens, happens. And honestly, my desires are beginning to get the best of me, so what’s a girl to do?
I don’t really want to start dating, because I do love this guy. But he has not and cannot commit to anything. He does not know where he will get a job or work after he is done with school and I appreciate that it is a unique and liberating position for him to be in. He is asking nothing of me either. I don’t know if I want to wait around for an entire year when there are no guarantees that we will be together when he returns…if he returns.
Maybe dating would be good. Give me a chance to compare, see who else/what else is out there. I got divorced, took a 2 year hiatus from men and then met my current man. Perhaps taste-testing the dating world would be good, for both of us. After all, I suppose if we were meant to be together, we ultimately will be.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Pursuit of Happiness: It’s all my ‘fault’, and that’s the good news
In today’s IVillage Daily Essentials, they have an article about the Pursuit of Happiness. In a nut shell it states that men are happier as they age than women and follows with comments from various women. Women gave a lot of different reasons why that might be so, pertaining to their married, children, job or financially situation. But one group of women seemed to agree that happiness is an inside job. It is about how you handle what life throws at you and who you choose to hold responsible for your circumstances.
Imagine if no one could mess with your happiness but you…if you were in complete control of your own destiny. If your unhappiness was all your fault. Would this appeal to you?
Many believe we are responsible for everything that has and will happen to us in our lifetime. There are no victims. We don’t need to change somebody else to make our life better, we just need to change ourselves. For me this is a very liberating perspective, it puts me in control. It becomes all about changing or accepting me. I have choices and I will celebrate or suffer the consequences of my choices.
This is the message that you get from 12 Step programs…keep the focus on yourself, keep you side of the street clean and of course, the Serenity Prayer.
It is what ‘The Secret’ promotes: ‘we are in control of our thoughts and actions and by focusing on what we have to be grateful for and believing that we will attain what we strive for, we can and will manifest anything we want in life’.
Buddhist believe that developing happiness and fulfilling our dreams lies in our ability to never give up or succumb to negativity; and to focus on having compassion for and cherishing others.
You can read or listen to Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson and countless others; the same message comes through. It is all within our power of perception and choice to be happy, truly happy, regardless of what life throws our way.
It’s all on us, and that is the good news.
Imagine if no one could mess with your happiness but you…if you were in complete control of your own destiny. If your unhappiness was all your fault. Would this appeal to you?
Many believe we are responsible for everything that has and will happen to us in our lifetime. There are no victims. We don’t need to change somebody else to make our life better, we just need to change ourselves. For me this is a very liberating perspective, it puts me in control. It becomes all about changing or accepting me. I have choices and I will celebrate or suffer the consequences of my choices.
This is the message that you get from 12 Step programs…keep the focus on yourself, keep you side of the street clean and of course, the Serenity Prayer.
It is what ‘The Secret’ promotes: ‘we are in control of our thoughts and actions and by focusing on what we have to be grateful for and believing that we will attain what we strive for, we can and will manifest anything we want in life’.
Buddhist believe that developing happiness and fulfilling our dreams lies in our ability to never give up or succumb to negativity; and to focus on having compassion for and cherishing others.
You can read or listen to Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson and countless others; the same message comes through. It is all within our power of perception and choice to be happy, truly happy, regardless of what life throws our way.
It’s all on us, and that is the good news.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Staying Afloat - Defying the Undercurrent of my life
As a student of 12 step programs, spirituality, Buddhism and The Presence Process, I know intellectually that:
Life sometimes needs to be taken one day at a time; sometimes, one hour at a time
That absolute joy is only found inside ourselves, regardless of what is happening around us
It is the difficult times that provide us with opportunities to grow, the fun times are like napping.
This knowledge is helping me stay afloat while life’s undercurrent is powerfully trying to pull me under. I guess I have been napping for a while. After a long arduous divorce, I enjoyed 2 years of being blissfully single. Then I decided to dip my toe into the dating pool and my first date was with a handsome, healthy, intelligent man that I am crazy about.
He moved across the country in June to study for his masters. Okay, that is difficult. But as the stars continued to aligned, my ex lost his girlfriend of 2 years and became a raging angry man again and stopped paying child support; the economy softened and my full commission job is barely bringing in a slow drip of income; my son, raw from his father’s rantings, is acting out violently (I had to call the police earlier this week). You get the picture.
Now I am wide awake, the nap is over. Holding onto the joy of my next “growth spurt” is a challenge at best.
The Buddhists believe that our “absolute” long lasting happiness or joy is found in the 4 ‘noble worlds”. They believe that there are 10 worlds altogether with most of us riding the rollercoaster of life as we reside in:
The 6 ‘lower worlds’ of
1 Hell
2 Hunger
3 Animality
4 Anger
5 Humanity
6 Heaven.
The 4 noble or higher worlds consist of:
7 Learning
8 Realization
9 Compassion
10 Enlightenment
While the 10th world of enlightenment or Buddhahood is clearly outside of my grasp right now, I am trying with all my power to stay in the 7th 8th and 9th worlds.
They believe if we are constantly learning and keeping our minds occupied on new areas of interest, we can find joy from within. Realization is finding some thing that we are passionate about and diving into it. I have found my writing and, like an addict, blogging and writing poetry are consuming my every free moment, and in fact, bringing me peace and happiness amidst the storm of my life.
I have also been biking, swimming and running, in training for a triathlon that I just completed last weekend. This too has brought me a feeling of health, fitness and pride of accomplishment.
Compassion is an ongoing challenge. We are not talking about compassion for our friends and family, we are talking about compassion for our enemies. Finding compassion for my ex is another place where I will find my absolute happiness. It makes sense; it is the practicing of the concept that will probably take a lifetime.
Life sometimes needs to be taken one day at a time; sometimes, one hour at a time
That absolute joy is only found inside ourselves, regardless of what is happening around us
It is the difficult times that provide us with opportunities to grow, the fun times are like napping.
This knowledge is helping me stay afloat while life’s undercurrent is powerfully trying to pull me under. I guess I have been napping for a while. After a long arduous divorce, I enjoyed 2 years of being blissfully single. Then I decided to dip my toe into the dating pool and my first date was with a handsome, healthy, intelligent man that I am crazy about.
He moved across the country in June to study for his masters. Okay, that is difficult. But as the stars continued to aligned, my ex lost his girlfriend of 2 years and became a raging angry man again and stopped paying child support; the economy softened and my full commission job is barely bringing in a slow drip of income; my son, raw from his father’s rantings, is acting out violently (I had to call the police earlier this week). You get the picture.
Now I am wide awake, the nap is over. Holding onto the joy of my next “growth spurt” is a challenge at best.
The Buddhists believe that our “absolute” long lasting happiness or joy is found in the 4 ‘noble worlds”. They believe that there are 10 worlds altogether with most of us riding the rollercoaster of life as we reside in:
The 6 ‘lower worlds’ of
1 Hell
2 Hunger
3 Animality
4 Anger
5 Humanity
6 Heaven.
The 4 noble or higher worlds consist of:
7 Learning
8 Realization
9 Compassion
10 Enlightenment
While the 10th world of enlightenment or Buddhahood is clearly outside of my grasp right now, I am trying with all my power to stay in the 7th 8th and 9th worlds.
They believe if we are constantly learning and keeping our minds occupied on new areas of interest, we can find joy from within. Realization is finding some thing that we are passionate about and diving into it. I have found my writing and, like an addict, blogging and writing poetry are consuming my every free moment, and in fact, bringing me peace and happiness amidst the storm of my life.
I have also been biking, swimming and running, in training for a triathlon that I just completed last weekend. This too has brought me a feeling of health, fitness and pride of accomplishment.
Compassion is an ongoing challenge. We are not talking about compassion for our friends and family, we are talking about compassion for our enemies. Finding compassion for my ex is another place where I will find my absolute happiness. It makes sense; it is the practicing of the concept that will probably take a lifetime.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Telling the Children: What's really 'fair'
Throughout our entire divorce, my ex was told by all the professionals (attorneys, therapists, law guardian, etc.) to FILTER what he said to the children. His argument was that they had a 'right to know' what was going on between him and I because it affected their lives. I do not disagree that children, even young children, will have questions and that we need to answer them and address their concerns.
However, it is more about how we choose to answer our children's questions and how much information we give them. If my 6 year old asked me how babies were made, I wouldn't give her the steamy details, but rather explain that when two people love eachother... So too, when the children want to know about the custody battle, child support and the dividing of assets, it is our responsibility to bring them peace of mind and focus their attention on the important things, like mommy and daddy will always love you and be there for you.
Unfortunately, my kids always got the 'steamy' version. Their father continues to tell them financial figures of child support, income and his monthly bills. At 9 and 11, they come home to me angry and defensive on their father's behalf and then get frustrated when I won't defend myself with the same intricasy of detail. They believe they do too have a right to know and their father does have a right to tell all.
My girlfriend once explained to my daughter that just like an R rated movie was inappropriate for her to watch, so too was certain information inappropriate for her to hear from her father. I loved that explanation, it was something tangible that helped her understand a boundary.
We were in court this past Monday because he is 5 months in arrears with his support. The judge asked me if I wanted to hold him in contempt and I said, "whatever it takes to get my support." He went home that night and told the children that I tried to have him thrown into jail.
The bottom line is you cannot say you love your children and are a wonderful parent if you put your emotional needs and desires to vent above their need to be protected from the 'grown-up' stuff. My ex can rarely get to me these days. He is who he is and little he does surprises or upsets me. But when he ties my kids into emotional knots, I find myself back in that neighborhood of anger and resentment that I prefer not to visit.
However, it is more about how we choose to answer our children's questions and how much information we give them. If my 6 year old asked me how babies were made, I wouldn't give her the steamy details, but rather explain that when two people love eachother... So too, when the children want to know about the custody battle, child support and the dividing of assets, it is our responsibility to bring them peace of mind and focus their attention on the important things, like mommy and daddy will always love you and be there for you.
Unfortunately, my kids always got the 'steamy' version. Their father continues to tell them financial figures of child support, income and his monthly bills. At 9 and 11, they come home to me angry and defensive on their father's behalf and then get frustrated when I won't defend myself with the same intricasy of detail. They believe they do too have a right to know and their father does have a right to tell all.
My girlfriend once explained to my daughter that just like an R rated movie was inappropriate for her to watch, so too was certain information inappropriate for her to hear from her father. I loved that explanation, it was something tangible that helped her understand a boundary.
We were in court this past Monday because he is 5 months in arrears with his support. The judge asked me if I wanted to hold him in contempt and I said, "whatever it takes to get my support." He went home that night and told the children that I tried to have him thrown into jail.
The bottom line is you cannot say you love your children and are a wonderful parent if you put your emotional needs and desires to vent above their need to be protected from the 'grown-up' stuff. My ex can rarely get to me these days. He is who he is and little he does surprises or upsets me. But when he ties my kids into emotional knots, I find myself back in that neighborhood of anger and resentment that I prefer not to visit.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
They asked me for my story
Last June, just one year after I had moved out of the ‘marital residence’, beginning my life as a single mom, the local newspaper contacted me. They said they were doing a series on Divorce in NYS and the many difficulties families faced navigating through the system and asked if I would consider being interviewed.
It was not an easy decision. My life had so drastically changed for the better immediately after moving out that I wasn’t sure I wanted to revisit that painful time. After some soul searching I decided that if telling my story brought public awareness to the damage caused by the system itself, it was a worthy cause. My ex also agreed to be interviewed.
I hadn’t realized how painful the interview process would be. The questions started with how and when the marriage went bad and all the ugly details of raging fights, abusive language; involvement of the kids in the complex details of the custody battle and the emotional frustrations and exorbitant costs of dissolving our marriage.
In our case, CPS (Child Protective Services) and the school social workers and therapists were very involved. In some ways it was a blessing in disguise as my secret reality of what had taken place behind the closed doors of our beautiful English Tudor was now being seen by professionals. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t crazy, but just living in an insane situation.
For the children, however, it was frightening. At the time my son was in the third grade and my daughter just starting first grade. They were so afraid to speak their truth for fear of getting one of their parents in trouble. My son shut down completely and started having discipline problems in school. My daughter, dove into her school work and being more connected, talk and cried about and seemed to process her feelings at a level well beyond her 6 years of life.
Telling the story of my 3 year divorce also made me realize how truly grateful I am to have come through such an ordeal with a reasonable amount of grace. I am neither bitter, nor resentful and as a result, I believe I have been able to move on with my life, put my children’s emotional needs first and begin the healing process.
I hope that these postings result in opening a dialogue with those who have experienced the difficulties of divorce as well as those considering such a choice or already beginning down that long and sometimes lonely path. I hope we can offer support, encouragement and direction. I greatly appreciate your comments and feedback.
Below is a link to Newsday’s article, published Tuesday, July 15, 2008 about the story of my divorce battle and the challenges of divorcing in NYS.
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/longisland/ny-encust0715,0,6891826.story
It was not an easy decision. My life had so drastically changed for the better immediately after moving out that I wasn’t sure I wanted to revisit that painful time. After some soul searching I decided that if telling my story brought public awareness to the damage caused by the system itself, it was a worthy cause. My ex also agreed to be interviewed.
I hadn’t realized how painful the interview process would be. The questions started with how and when the marriage went bad and all the ugly details of raging fights, abusive language; involvement of the kids in the complex details of the custody battle and the emotional frustrations and exorbitant costs of dissolving our marriage.
In our case, CPS (Child Protective Services) and the school social workers and therapists were very involved. In some ways it was a blessing in disguise as my secret reality of what had taken place behind the closed doors of our beautiful English Tudor was now being seen by professionals. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t crazy, but just living in an insane situation.
For the children, however, it was frightening. At the time my son was in the third grade and my daughter just starting first grade. They were so afraid to speak their truth for fear of getting one of their parents in trouble. My son shut down completely and started having discipline problems in school. My daughter, dove into her school work and being more connected, talk and cried about and seemed to process her feelings at a level well beyond her 6 years of life.
Telling the story of my 3 year divorce also made me realize how truly grateful I am to have come through such an ordeal with a reasonable amount of grace. I am neither bitter, nor resentful and as a result, I believe I have been able to move on with my life, put my children’s emotional needs first and begin the healing process.
I hope that these postings result in opening a dialogue with those who have experienced the difficulties of divorce as well as those considering such a choice or already beginning down that long and sometimes lonely path. I hope we can offer support, encouragement and direction. I greatly appreciate your comments and feedback.
Below is a link to Newsday’s article, published Tuesday, July 15, 2008 about the story of my divorce battle and the challenges of divorcing in NYS.
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/longisland/ny-encust0715,0,6891826.story
Divorced, yes, but never completely separated, raising kids with your ex
There are so many frustrating things that I could complain about when it comes to my ex. Because we have young children together, we may be divorced, but are still very actively in each other’s lives. We must speak regularly about the details of schedules, activities, social functions, birthdays and graduations, etc.. We also see each other weekly on the soccer and lacrosse fields, etc.
As a result, I am still exposed to all the things that drove me to leave him. I could go off about how he is never on time for anything and therefore the kids never get to games or practices or school or home on time. Or I could focus on how nasty he can speak to me or the children if he is not happy with a given situation. The list could go on for pages, but I will spare you.
I HAVE LEARNED to find the things about him that I can be grateful for and try to focus on those traits. With my ex, he is an active dad who wants to be with his children as often as possible. He is always there on his ‘days’ (perhaps late, but always shows) and he supports and attends all their functions. For me that is a huge blessing. It gives me an opportunity to have some free time and that makes me a better person and a better mom when I’m with my kids.
I have recently had an opportunity to date someone. I also just finished my first triathlon (I’ll save that for another post), so have been swimming, running and biking with a lot of my free time. I have also just begun an online writing course. All these things enrich my life as JustKaren, which after being the wife of… and the mother of…, is especially important to me.
When I start focusing on all the negative things, it puts ME in a negative frame of mind and that doesn’t do anyone any good. FINDING THE GRATITUDE for the good in their dad also helps me to cope better with the frustrating things about him that I will never be truly rid of as long as we are co-parenting our children.
As a result, I am still exposed to all the things that drove me to leave him. I could go off about how he is never on time for anything and therefore the kids never get to games or practices or school or home on time. Or I could focus on how nasty he can speak to me or the children if he is not happy with a given situation. The list could go on for pages, but I will spare you.
I HAVE LEARNED to find the things about him that I can be grateful for and try to focus on those traits. With my ex, he is an active dad who wants to be with his children as often as possible. He is always there on his ‘days’ (perhaps late, but always shows) and he supports and attends all their functions. For me that is a huge blessing. It gives me an opportunity to have some free time and that makes me a better person and a better mom when I’m with my kids.
I have recently had an opportunity to date someone. I also just finished my first triathlon (I’ll save that for another post), so have been swimming, running and biking with a lot of my free time. I have also just begun an online writing course. All these things enrich my life as JustKaren, which after being the wife of… and the mother of…, is especially important to me.
When I start focusing on all the negative things, it puts ME in a negative frame of mind and that doesn’t do anyone any good. FINDING THE GRATITUDE for the good in their dad also helps me to cope better with the frustrating things about him that I will never be truly rid of as long as we are co-parenting our children.
What I have in common with Christie Brinkley
Christie Brinkley, like many of us attempting to get divorced, was the victim of a system that dramatically increases the financial and emotional cost of an already painful experience. When I was going through my divorce, I remember a court psychologist stating that the “emotional trauma of divorce is second only to the death of a loved one.”
We face so many challenges from initially making the decision to divorce to hiring an attorney; to trying to figure out how the system work and if you can settle out of court amiably or need to enter the complex and costly trial process. Then there are the children; the initial ‘telling’ of the divorce and then how to protect them from the emotional fall out of their parents.
In my case, we had to hire a court appointed law guardian (a lawyer for the children) and have a psychological forensics expert interview me, him and the children. They were often scared, confused and afraid of speaking for fear of being disloyal to one parent or the other. There world was falling apart and the longer the struggle went on, the more damage was done to them.
As parents, you also feel isolated. Your married friends cannot empathize with what you are going through, you’re whole life is collapsing and changing and you don’t know what’s around the corner. Then, adding insult to injury, you begin to amass legal debt that you never imagined as the system inches along like a slug, draining you of both your financial and emotional strength often with no end in sight.
My divorce took 3 years, tens of thousands of dollars (and we had no assets to fight over) and dozens of trips to therapists and counselors for my two children. Our entire fight was over the custody of the children. I am ‘out’ of the marriage 2 years last month and still picking up the emotional pieces of my children.
The kicker is I was back in court today. He hasn’t paid his child support in 5 months and is petitioning the court to dismiss it altogether. So after all that time in court, I must re-hire my attorney to fight all over again for something that he agreed to just 2 years ago. My children are 9 and 11, so there is a long way to go before they no longer need to be supported by me.
There is such a myriad of issues for us to discuss pertaining to divorce.
Check out these articles about the problems with the divorce system in NYS:
http://www.newsday.com/services/newspaper/printedition/sunday/news/ny-enfaul135762497jul13,0,6983477.story
http://www.newsday.com/services/newspaper/printedition/monday/news/ny-endiv145763295jul14,0,7413500.story
We face so many challenges from initially making the decision to divorce to hiring an attorney; to trying to figure out how the system work and if you can settle out of court amiably or need to enter the complex and costly trial process. Then there are the children; the initial ‘telling’ of the divorce and then how to protect them from the emotional fall out of their parents.
In my case, we had to hire a court appointed law guardian (a lawyer for the children) and have a psychological forensics expert interview me, him and the children. They were often scared, confused and afraid of speaking for fear of being disloyal to one parent or the other. There world was falling apart and the longer the struggle went on, the more damage was done to them.
As parents, you also feel isolated. Your married friends cannot empathize with what you are going through, you’re whole life is collapsing and changing and you don’t know what’s around the corner. Then, adding insult to injury, you begin to amass legal debt that you never imagined as the system inches along like a slug, draining you of both your financial and emotional strength often with no end in sight.
My divorce took 3 years, tens of thousands of dollars (and we had no assets to fight over) and dozens of trips to therapists and counselors for my two children. Our entire fight was over the custody of the children. I am ‘out’ of the marriage 2 years last month and still picking up the emotional pieces of my children.
The kicker is I was back in court today. He hasn’t paid his child support in 5 months and is petitioning the court to dismiss it altogether. So after all that time in court, I must re-hire my attorney to fight all over again for something that he agreed to just 2 years ago. My children are 9 and 11, so there is a long way to go before they no longer need to be supported by me.
There is such a myriad of issues for us to discuss pertaining to divorce.
Check out these articles about the problems with the divorce system in NYS:
http://www.newsday.com/services/newspaper/printedition/sunday/news/ny-enfaul135762497jul13,0,6983477.story
http://www.newsday.com/services/newspaper/printedition/monday/news/ny-endiv145763295jul14,0,7413500.story
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