They asked me for my story

Last June, just one year after I had moved out of the ‘marital residence’, beginning my life as a single mom, the local newspaper contacted me. They said they were doing a series on Divorce in NYS and the many difficulties families faced navigating through the system and asked if I would consider being interviewed.

It was not an easy decision. My life had so drastically changed for the better immediately after moving out that I wasn’t sure I wanted to revisit that painful time. After some soul searching I decided that if telling my story brought public awareness to the damage caused by the system itself, it was a worthy cause. My ex also agreed to be interviewed.

I hadn’t realized how painful the interview process would be. The questions started with how and when the marriage went bad and all the ugly details of raging fights, abusive language; involvement of the kids in the complex details of the custody battle and the emotional frustrations and exorbitant costs of dissolving our marriage.

In our case, CPS (Child Protective Services) and the school social workers and therapists were very involved. In some ways it was a blessing in disguise as my secret reality of what had taken place behind the closed doors of our beautiful English Tudor was now being seen by professionals. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t crazy, but just living in an insane situation.

For the children, however, it was frightening. At the time my son was in the third grade and my daughter just starting first grade. They were so afraid to speak their truth for fear of getting one of their parents in trouble. My son shut down completely and started having discipline problems in school. My daughter, dove into her school work and being more connected, talk and cried about and seemed to process her feelings at a level well beyond her 6 years of life.

Telling the story of my 3 year divorce also made me realize how truly grateful I am to have come through such an ordeal with a reasonable amount of grace. I am neither bitter, nor resentful and as a result, I believe I have been able to move on with my life, put my children’s emotional needs first and begin the healing process.

I hope that these postings result in opening a dialogue with those who have experienced the difficulties of divorce as well as those considering such a choice or already beginning down that long and sometimes lonely path. I hope we can offer support, encouragement and direction. I greatly appreciate your comments and feedback.

Below is a link to Newsday’s article, published Tuesday, July 15, 2008 about the story of my divorce battle and the challenges of divorcing in NYS.

http://www.newsday.com/news/local/longisland/ny-encust0715,0,6891826.story