Telling the Children: What's really 'fair'

Throughout our entire divorce, my ex was told by all the professionals (attorneys, therapists, law guardian, etc.) to FILTER what he said to the children. His argument was that they had a 'right to know' what was going on between him and I because it affected their lives. I do not disagree that children, even young children, will have questions and that we need to answer them and address their concerns.

However, it is more about how we choose to answer our children's questions and how much information we give them. If my 6 year old asked me how babies were made, I wouldn't give her the steamy details, but rather explain that when two people love eachother... So too, when the children want to know about the custody battle, child support and the dividing of assets, it is our responsibility to bring them peace of mind and focus their attention on the important things, like mommy and daddy will always love you and be there for you.

Unfortunately, my kids always got the 'steamy' version. Their father continues to tell them financial figures of child support, income and his monthly bills. At 9 and 11, they come home to me angry and defensive on their father's behalf and then get frustrated when I won't defend myself with the same intricasy of detail. They believe they do too have a right to know and their father does have a right to tell all.

My girlfriend once explained to my daughter that just like an R rated movie was inappropriate for her to watch, so too was certain information inappropriate for her to hear from her father. I loved that explanation, it was something tangible that helped her understand a boundary.

We were in court this past Monday because he is 5 months in arrears with his support. The judge asked me if I wanted to hold him in contempt and I said, "whatever it takes to get my support." He went home that night and told the children that I tried to have him thrown into jail.

The bottom line is you cannot say you love your children and are a wonderful parent if you put your emotional needs and desires to vent above their need to be protected from the 'grown-up' stuff. My ex can rarely get to me these days. He is who he is and little he does surprises or upsets me. But when he ties my kids into emotional knots, I find myself back in that neighborhood of anger and resentment that I prefer not to visit.