Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Changing directions...all part of the journey
This summer I had an article published on my expereince in the NYS Divorce Courts and thought that it would be a great way to launch a blog with a focus on divorce issues. That went well for a few months, but I quickly realized that my divorce and all it's pain is behind me and to continue writing on the topic, even if to help others, was not good for me. So I fell off the writing wagon for a while.
I took up a creative writing course and have a second blog filled with my poetry, which I have a strong passion for. That was a wonderful expereince, but I realized that I don't tend to buy poetry books or read poetry, but seem to have a strong desire to write it. A good poet must appreciate the entire art and other's works, so perhaps this too is not the correct direction for me.
I read a lot of novels and find that the best ones can be described as poetic prose. When the author 'shows instead of telling' what is going on it adds a wonderful dimension that allows the reader to smell, feel, hear and see what is happening based on his or her own expereince rather than just being told by the author. So now I am considering the possibility of writing fiction in poetic prose. I feel like it is starting to come together. I can write creatively. I certainly have specific messages I would like to get across without 'preaching', and I can do it in a form that I enjoy and that many more people tend to read than poetry.
I think I will still write poetry. I am often drawn to describe an expereince that way. But in terms of moving forward on a path that I hope to lead me into a new chapter of my life and career, I think writing fiction is the way to go.
I will begin to detail my first story next time...
'Til then
Ciao
I took up a creative writing course and have a second blog filled with my poetry, which I have a strong passion for. That was a wonderful expereince, but I realized that I don't tend to buy poetry books or read poetry, but seem to have a strong desire to write it. A good poet must appreciate the entire art and other's works, so perhaps this too is not the correct direction for me.
I read a lot of novels and find that the best ones can be described as poetic prose. When the author 'shows instead of telling' what is going on it adds a wonderful dimension that allows the reader to smell, feel, hear and see what is happening based on his or her own expereince rather than just being told by the author. So now I am considering the possibility of writing fiction in poetic prose. I feel like it is starting to come together. I can write creatively. I certainly have specific messages I would like to get across without 'preaching', and I can do it in a form that I enjoy and that many more people tend to read than poetry.
I think I will still write poetry. I am often drawn to describe an expereince that way. But in terms of moving forward on a path that I hope to lead me into a new chapter of my life and career, I think writing fiction is the way to go.
I will begin to detail my first story next time...
'Til then
Ciao
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Family Court - A sad place to be
Now I am a very positive person. I meditate, find the silver lining in most situations, take good care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. So when I entered the 3rd floor of the family court building yesterday, it was not long before I felt assaulted by the negative energy that permeates the air.
The 3rd floor is designated for child support grievances. I was taking my ex to court because he has not paid support in a half year which has left me struggling. Needless to say, the entire floor is filled with angry, frustrated, struggling, resentful, bitter, hostile people and those who are hurt, frightened, intimidated, abused and desperate. Couples were arguing loudly, cursing at each other. Some men, my ex included, were loudly complaining about their wretched ex-spouses and how wronged they are for having to pay anything. Women were crying, some were screaming at times. Angry looks and tensely locked jaws could be seen everywhere.
My ex showed up 2 hours late, so the judge penalized him by scheduling us for the last case of the day. So I sat in this building for 7 hours assaulted by a negative energy that could have pierced the happiest soul.
By the end of the day, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. And it had nothing to do with my own circumstance. The judge heard our case and I walked out with a settlement that I felt was fair to me and compassionate to him.
I think I wanted to cry because of the exposure to such negative emotions. But there is always the silver lining. It did give me an opportunity to see myself in comparison. How far I have come from being that angry person, out of control and engaging a loud verbal battle with my angry ex…I almost never do that anymore. How peaceful my life is today. My ability to let go and have faith that everything will work out for the best; in God’s time and way, not mine.
So perhaps spending a day in hell has it’s benefits especially when it helped me to see the heaven I have created for myself.
I learned how the process works, found out what I had to do and went through the steps with a ‘let go and let God’ attitude.
The 3rd floor is designated for child support grievances. I was taking my ex to court because he has not paid support in a half year which has left me struggling. Needless to say, the entire floor is filled with angry, frustrated, struggling, resentful, bitter, hostile people and those who are hurt, frightened, intimidated, abused and desperate. Couples were arguing loudly, cursing at each other. Some men, my ex included, were loudly complaining about their wretched ex-spouses and how wronged they are for having to pay anything. Women were crying, some were screaming at times. Angry looks and tensely locked jaws could be seen everywhere.
My ex showed up 2 hours late, so the judge penalized him by scheduling us for the last case of the day. So I sat in this building for 7 hours assaulted by a negative energy that could have pierced the happiest soul.
By the end of the day, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. And it had nothing to do with my own circumstance. The judge heard our case and I walked out with a settlement that I felt was fair to me and compassionate to him.
I think I wanted to cry because of the exposure to such negative emotions. But there is always the silver lining. It did give me an opportunity to see myself in comparison. How far I have come from being that angry person, out of control and engaging a loud verbal battle with my angry ex…I almost never do that anymore. How peaceful my life is today. My ability to let go and have faith that everything will work out for the best; in God’s time and way, not mine.
So perhaps spending a day in hell has it’s benefits especially when it helped me to see the heaven I have created for myself.
I learned how the process works, found out what I had to do and went through the steps with a ‘let go and let God’ attitude.
How long is too long to wait?
I have had the unique experience of going on one date through an on-line service and meeting a really great guy. We have been together for 9 months and have a great friendship and passionate relationship. He lived in NYC and I am on Long Island. As a single mom, I almost always went in to his apt. which was great; it was like my ‘other’ life and I loved it.
In June he graduated college (a returning student – we’re both in our 40’s) and moved to New Mexico for a graduate program. At first he was just going to attend summer sessions; so I thought 12 weeks comes and goes quickly, no problem. But now, he has the wonderful opportunity to stay and complete his program next September. I think it is great and I am truly happy for him.
While I am crazy about him, we will have been apart for a longer period of time than we have been together. Can such a new relationship withstand so much distance for so long? We agreed to no commitments. After all we are on opposite sides of the country and grown adults with needs and desires, so whatever happens, happens. And honestly, my desires are beginning to get the best of me, so what’s a girl to do?
I don’t really want to start dating, because I do love this guy. But he has not and cannot commit to anything. He does not know where he will get a job or work after he is done with school and I appreciate that it is a unique and liberating position for him to be in. He is asking nothing of me either. I don’t know if I want to wait around for an entire year when there are no guarantees that we will be together when he returns…if he returns.
Maybe dating would be good. Give me a chance to compare, see who else/what else is out there. I got divorced, took a 2 year hiatus from men and then met my current man. Perhaps taste-testing the dating world would be good, for both of us. After all, I suppose if we were meant to be together, we ultimately will be.
In June he graduated college (a returning student – we’re both in our 40’s) and moved to New Mexico for a graduate program. At first he was just going to attend summer sessions; so I thought 12 weeks comes and goes quickly, no problem. But now, he has the wonderful opportunity to stay and complete his program next September. I think it is great and I am truly happy for him.
While I am crazy about him, we will have been apart for a longer period of time than we have been together. Can such a new relationship withstand so much distance for so long? We agreed to no commitments. After all we are on opposite sides of the country and grown adults with needs and desires, so whatever happens, happens. And honestly, my desires are beginning to get the best of me, so what’s a girl to do?
I don’t really want to start dating, because I do love this guy. But he has not and cannot commit to anything. He does not know where he will get a job or work after he is done with school and I appreciate that it is a unique and liberating position for him to be in. He is asking nothing of me either. I don’t know if I want to wait around for an entire year when there are no guarantees that we will be together when he returns…if he returns.
Maybe dating would be good. Give me a chance to compare, see who else/what else is out there. I got divorced, took a 2 year hiatus from men and then met my current man. Perhaps taste-testing the dating world would be good, for both of us. After all, I suppose if we were meant to be together, we ultimately will be.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Pursuit of Happiness: It’s all my ‘fault’, and that’s the good news
In today’s IVillage Daily Essentials, they have an article about the Pursuit of Happiness. In a nut shell it states that men are happier as they age than women and follows with comments from various women. Women gave a lot of different reasons why that might be so, pertaining to their married, children, job or financially situation. But one group of women seemed to agree that happiness is an inside job. It is about how you handle what life throws at you and who you choose to hold responsible for your circumstances.
Imagine if no one could mess with your happiness but you…if you were in complete control of your own destiny. If your unhappiness was all your fault. Would this appeal to you?
Many believe we are responsible for everything that has and will happen to us in our lifetime. There are no victims. We don’t need to change somebody else to make our life better, we just need to change ourselves. For me this is a very liberating perspective, it puts me in control. It becomes all about changing or accepting me. I have choices and I will celebrate or suffer the consequences of my choices.
This is the message that you get from 12 Step programs…keep the focus on yourself, keep you side of the street clean and of course, the Serenity Prayer.
It is what ‘The Secret’ promotes: ‘we are in control of our thoughts and actions and by focusing on what we have to be grateful for and believing that we will attain what we strive for, we can and will manifest anything we want in life’.
Buddhist believe that developing happiness and fulfilling our dreams lies in our ability to never give up or succumb to negativity; and to focus on having compassion for and cherishing others.
You can read or listen to Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson and countless others; the same message comes through. It is all within our power of perception and choice to be happy, truly happy, regardless of what life throws our way.
It’s all on us, and that is the good news.
Imagine if no one could mess with your happiness but you…if you were in complete control of your own destiny. If your unhappiness was all your fault. Would this appeal to you?
Many believe we are responsible for everything that has and will happen to us in our lifetime. There are no victims. We don’t need to change somebody else to make our life better, we just need to change ourselves. For me this is a very liberating perspective, it puts me in control. It becomes all about changing or accepting me. I have choices and I will celebrate or suffer the consequences of my choices.
This is the message that you get from 12 Step programs…keep the focus on yourself, keep you side of the street clean and of course, the Serenity Prayer.
It is what ‘The Secret’ promotes: ‘we are in control of our thoughts and actions and by focusing on what we have to be grateful for and believing that we will attain what we strive for, we can and will manifest anything we want in life’.
Buddhist believe that developing happiness and fulfilling our dreams lies in our ability to never give up or succumb to negativity; and to focus on having compassion for and cherishing others.
You can read or listen to Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson and countless others; the same message comes through. It is all within our power of perception and choice to be happy, truly happy, regardless of what life throws our way.
It’s all on us, and that is the good news.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Staying Afloat - Defying the Undercurrent of my life
As a student of 12 step programs, spirituality, Buddhism and The Presence Process, I know intellectually that:
Life sometimes needs to be taken one day at a time; sometimes, one hour at a time
That absolute joy is only found inside ourselves, regardless of what is happening around us
It is the difficult times that provide us with opportunities to grow, the fun times are like napping.
This knowledge is helping me stay afloat while life’s undercurrent is powerfully trying to pull me under. I guess I have been napping for a while. After a long arduous divorce, I enjoyed 2 years of being blissfully single. Then I decided to dip my toe into the dating pool and my first date was with a handsome, healthy, intelligent man that I am crazy about.
He moved across the country in June to study for his masters. Okay, that is difficult. But as the stars continued to aligned, my ex lost his girlfriend of 2 years and became a raging angry man again and stopped paying child support; the economy softened and my full commission job is barely bringing in a slow drip of income; my son, raw from his father’s rantings, is acting out violently (I had to call the police earlier this week). You get the picture.
Now I am wide awake, the nap is over. Holding onto the joy of my next “growth spurt” is a challenge at best.
The Buddhists believe that our “absolute” long lasting happiness or joy is found in the 4 ‘noble worlds”. They believe that there are 10 worlds altogether with most of us riding the rollercoaster of life as we reside in:
The 6 ‘lower worlds’ of
1 Hell
2 Hunger
3 Animality
4 Anger
5 Humanity
6 Heaven.
The 4 noble or higher worlds consist of:
7 Learning
8 Realization
9 Compassion
10 Enlightenment
While the 10th world of enlightenment or Buddhahood is clearly outside of my grasp right now, I am trying with all my power to stay in the 7th 8th and 9th worlds.
They believe if we are constantly learning and keeping our minds occupied on new areas of interest, we can find joy from within. Realization is finding some thing that we are passionate about and diving into it. I have found my writing and, like an addict, blogging and writing poetry are consuming my every free moment, and in fact, bringing me peace and happiness amidst the storm of my life.
I have also been biking, swimming and running, in training for a triathlon that I just completed last weekend. This too has brought me a feeling of health, fitness and pride of accomplishment.
Compassion is an ongoing challenge. We are not talking about compassion for our friends and family, we are talking about compassion for our enemies. Finding compassion for my ex is another place where I will find my absolute happiness. It makes sense; it is the practicing of the concept that will probably take a lifetime.
Life sometimes needs to be taken one day at a time; sometimes, one hour at a time
That absolute joy is only found inside ourselves, regardless of what is happening around us
It is the difficult times that provide us with opportunities to grow, the fun times are like napping.
This knowledge is helping me stay afloat while life’s undercurrent is powerfully trying to pull me under. I guess I have been napping for a while. After a long arduous divorce, I enjoyed 2 years of being blissfully single. Then I decided to dip my toe into the dating pool and my first date was with a handsome, healthy, intelligent man that I am crazy about.
He moved across the country in June to study for his masters. Okay, that is difficult. But as the stars continued to aligned, my ex lost his girlfriend of 2 years and became a raging angry man again and stopped paying child support; the economy softened and my full commission job is barely bringing in a slow drip of income; my son, raw from his father’s rantings, is acting out violently (I had to call the police earlier this week). You get the picture.
Now I am wide awake, the nap is over. Holding onto the joy of my next “growth spurt” is a challenge at best.
The Buddhists believe that our “absolute” long lasting happiness or joy is found in the 4 ‘noble worlds”. They believe that there are 10 worlds altogether with most of us riding the rollercoaster of life as we reside in:
The 6 ‘lower worlds’ of
1 Hell
2 Hunger
3 Animality
4 Anger
5 Humanity
6 Heaven.
The 4 noble or higher worlds consist of:
7 Learning
8 Realization
9 Compassion
10 Enlightenment
While the 10th world of enlightenment or Buddhahood is clearly outside of my grasp right now, I am trying with all my power to stay in the 7th 8th and 9th worlds.
They believe if we are constantly learning and keeping our minds occupied on new areas of interest, we can find joy from within. Realization is finding some thing that we are passionate about and diving into it. I have found my writing and, like an addict, blogging and writing poetry are consuming my every free moment, and in fact, bringing me peace and happiness amidst the storm of my life.
I have also been biking, swimming and running, in training for a triathlon that I just completed last weekend. This too has brought me a feeling of health, fitness and pride of accomplishment.
Compassion is an ongoing challenge. We are not talking about compassion for our friends and family, we are talking about compassion for our enemies. Finding compassion for my ex is another place where I will find my absolute happiness. It makes sense; it is the practicing of the concept that will probably take a lifetime.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Telling the Children: What's really 'fair'
Throughout our entire divorce, my ex was told by all the professionals (attorneys, therapists, law guardian, etc.) to FILTER what he said to the children. His argument was that they had a 'right to know' what was going on between him and I because it affected their lives. I do not disagree that children, even young children, will have questions and that we need to answer them and address their concerns.
However, it is more about how we choose to answer our children's questions and how much information we give them. If my 6 year old asked me how babies were made, I wouldn't give her the steamy details, but rather explain that when two people love eachother... So too, when the children want to know about the custody battle, child support and the dividing of assets, it is our responsibility to bring them peace of mind and focus their attention on the important things, like mommy and daddy will always love you and be there for you.
Unfortunately, my kids always got the 'steamy' version. Their father continues to tell them financial figures of child support, income and his monthly bills. At 9 and 11, they come home to me angry and defensive on their father's behalf and then get frustrated when I won't defend myself with the same intricasy of detail. They believe they do too have a right to know and their father does have a right to tell all.
My girlfriend once explained to my daughter that just like an R rated movie was inappropriate for her to watch, so too was certain information inappropriate for her to hear from her father. I loved that explanation, it was something tangible that helped her understand a boundary.
We were in court this past Monday because he is 5 months in arrears with his support. The judge asked me if I wanted to hold him in contempt and I said, "whatever it takes to get my support." He went home that night and told the children that I tried to have him thrown into jail.
The bottom line is you cannot say you love your children and are a wonderful parent if you put your emotional needs and desires to vent above their need to be protected from the 'grown-up' stuff. My ex can rarely get to me these days. He is who he is and little he does surprises or upsets me. But when he ties my kids into emotional knots, I find myself back in that neighborhood of anger and resentment that I prefer not to visit.
However, it is more about how we choose to answer our children's questions and how much information we give them. If my 6 year old asked me how babies were made, I wouldn't give her the steamy details, but rather explain that when two people love eachother... So too, when the children want to know about the custody battle, child support and the dividing of assets, it is our responsibility to bring them peace of mind and focus their attention on the important things, like mommy and daddy will always love you and be there for you.
Unfortunately, my kids always got the 'steamy' version. Their father continues to tell them financial figures of child support, income and his monthly bills. At 9 and 11, they come home to me angry and defensive on their father's behalf and then get frustrated when I won't defend myself with the same intricasy of detail. They believe they do too have a right to know and their father does have a right to tell all.
My girlfriend once explained to my daughter that just like an R rated movie was inappropriate for her to watch, so too was certain information inappropriate for her to hear from her father. I loved that explanation, it was something tangible that helped her understand a boundary.
We were in court this past Monday because he is 5 months in arrears with his support. The judge asked me if I wanted to hold him in contempt and I said, "whatever it takes to get my support." He went home that night and told the children that I tried to have him thrown into jail.
The bottom line is you cannot say you love your children and are a wonderful parent if you put your emotional needs and desires to vent above their need to be protected from the 'grown-up' stuff. My ex can rarely get to me these days. He is who he is and little he does surprises or upsets me. But when he ties my kids into emotional knots, I find myself back in that neighborhood of anger and resentment that I prefer not to visit.
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